Great News from Chicago

All the family of my girlfriend had got together for a nice Christmas dinner. It hasn't happened in almost 10 years. When Nihara told me this, I knew what to get her for the holiday.

I got down on my knee and asked her to marry me in front of everybody. It was an incredible night that seemed flawless.

Talking the Talk but Very Few Jay Walking

Today is the Lupus Walk in Detroit. I didn't realize it until a few friends from back home posted it on their facebook page. I woke up this morning and jumped on the net so I could sponser some folks. When I got to the Jay Walkers page, I started to spread the dough around. I wanted to support all the friends I had that were walking.

But then it dawned on me. There are a lot of sites and fans out there praising Dilla's work. There are blogs that use images of the man and from his albums. A lot of people walk around with the shirt that says J Dilla changed my life. Looking at the donation breakdown page for the Jay Walkers page, that's a lot of BULLSHIT! Hell, a Yancey was walking and no gave a dime for her efforts.

When I say something changed my life, I walk the walk. Anyone who knows me and my passion for Mr Yancey's legacy, they know I mean it. Not only do I know the music very well and some of the behind the scene stuff, I work very hard in the fight against lupus. Losing J Dilla taught me how much lupus is affecting my life. I have a few friends that were diagnosed with it and TOO many friends with family memebers living with it.

But I digress. With 22 people walking this morning in the D on that team, I was shocked to see that they were shy of hitting the $1000 mark. I thought to myself, with all the people around the globe proclaiming to be forever changed by this man, they should have raised at least 5 times that amount. Maybe it's the promoting (or lack of) or it could be that the J Dilla Foundation is in higher gear now. But regardless, I felt the support of the team, that bears his name in his hometown that is raising money to fight the very disease that claimed his life, was lacking.

Changing what matters

If you want to change the world, you have to change yourself first. I've heard this so many times and by so many different people. It's been used in the movies again and again. Unfortunately for me, it took 32 years for it to sink in.

Recently, I saw for the first time how I am a first class fuck up. Some friends might argue and say I am not that bad. I will agree with them. But at the same time, I know myself and what I hide from the world.

You see, for a while, I would use the problems in this world as an excuse to engage in my destructive ways. I felt that it was enough to justify my need for an escape. I felt that it would be better to sedate myself instead of dealing with my problems.

Now, I am seeing for the first time how this has affected my life. I look back at situations that I thought I handled well. In hind sight, I realized that I actually hurt myself in the long run. I half assed a few situations that could have been quite the opportunity for me.

The beautiful thing about this is that it is not too late for me. I cannot change the past but I can change myself for the better. I hope that you too are grabbing life by the horns and taking charge.

Keep questioning everything

I wanted to say a few words about a man who inspired me to challenge the status quo. My father often was the one telling me to do so but it was a book he gave that pushed me to do so. I had to do a report on Christopher Columbus for school. It was mid eighties and I didn't want to just use the schools textbook.

My father handed me a copy of A People's History of the United States. As I read, it was hard to believe that the man we are taught to idolize had committed such atrocities. Discovering that Columbus didn't come in peace, I was determined to prove otherwise. I went directly to the diary of the man himself.

Needless to say, I was dumbfounded. He told his journal about the tricks he used on his crew. He spoke of the people he first encountered, the now extinct Arawaks, as though they we not human. He spoke of how he exploited the people in search of gold. This was not the man I was taught about in elementary school.

There are probably a few teachers I had that might have wished that this didn't happen to me. I say this because I challenge not just myself but my educators as well. I wasn't a misbehaving pupil but I refused to regurgitate what I came to see as propaganda. I now give the credit to my father for teaching me this, after all, he is the one who put the book in my hand. But it was Howard Zinn's approach to teaching history that made me critical.

Be careful what you ask for...

I've been fortunate enough to understand what that really means. I've received a few of my desires just to see the down side of the situation. Not always, but enough to know that some thoughts and plans are important before seeking. I've had a girlfriend (let's keep her nameless) at a time when I should have remained single. I managed a business when I should have stayed learning from a mentor. I dropped out when I should have kept my butt in school. (Take heed, kids.)

Now, I find myself in a similar place. No, it's not a girl nor am I starting a company. I wanted people to read my blogs. That's all. This is not as serious or life changing but it is a commitment. I started out blogging about my neighborhood, posting from time to time. I enjoyed writing so I started some dialogue with other bloggers. Then, I got what I wanted.

People responded to my little hobby more than I expected. Quite frankly, I only thought a few friends would read it at most. I thought, maybe, another blogger would link one of my postings. I didn't expect people to show my videos as a posting. I honestly didn't expect much of a response at all. Hey, I didn't even expect haters to waste their time commenting.

Not that I am complaining. Like I said, I enjoy writing and sharing my passions. I approach blogging the same as I did when I started to sketch everyday. I see this as an exploration of my creativity and expression. Both sketching and writing start with a blank page, allowing one to dive deep into their mind as far as one is willing to go.

But this is a challange in my new found situation. There are a few blog sites that are asking me to contribute on a regular basis. I am flattered that people want to post my work but I also do not want to stretch myself too thin. I want to open up and share so other may learn from my experiences. But I also want to maintain a level of privacy that we all deserve. I guess I just want to have my Junior's cheesecake and eat it too...

The importance of self maintainence

I have been blogging off and on for about a year now. This is where I started and I didn't have much of a focus for it. I used it more so as a place to write some muses and to vent a bit. Eventually, like most creative people with too much time on their hands, I created a blog with a focus.

It started as a video explaining to my friends why i love my neighborhood. I enjoyed making it so I did another one. Before I knew it, I had a project on my hands. I wasn't even trying to become a full fledged blogger, even though I like to write. But a bit of exposure from dumbonyc.com and a New York Times blog made me realize another talent I have.

There have been a few people who look forward to my postings. Some have even replied wondering why I don't post more often. I am the type who is all or nothing. If I do something, I want to put my heart into it. Which I was planning on doing, but life is never that simple.

You see, around the end of August, I had a flashback to a traumatic event from my childhood. It was a memory that had been suppressed for almost 30 years. It came back with such a vengeance, it stopped me in my tracks. I didn't function for about 3 days. I didn't know what to do to get myself back in control.

Luckily, I have some good friends that were supportive (not to mention worried). One friend told me to swallow my pride and call 311 to find help. I called and found several organizations that were helpful and affordable. In time, with help from a therapist, I was stronger than I was before. Not only did I regain my composure, I understood why I had some problematic behaviors.

I share this with you for two reasons. One reason is so you understand that I am not ignoring the blog I started. But the main reason is that I learned the importance of maintaining a balance in your health. Diet and exercise is important for the care of your body. Reading and puzzles help you keep your mind sharp.

But too often, myself included, we tend to scoff at meditation as a necessity. Our body will store memories whether we like it or not. The longer we ignore them, the stranger our reaction can be. For me, I had a rage problem that I couldn't explain. It's not the same for everyone, but there are similarities.

I can't say what it would do for you, but I know meditaion has helped me in so many ways. One example would be the rage. I still have moments were the rage boils. Just yesterday, my roommate thought he could disrespect me. Ten years ago, I would have overreacted. Now, I didn't even respond to him(after all, he was petty). I walked away and found a positive way to release the tension he tried to put on me. (Ice skating if you're wondering)

So take care of yourselves, mind, body and soul.

A quick apology

To all of my followers, I want to thank you for your support. I am very grateful to know that people are interested in what I say. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and observations with people. It gives me another outlet to share my many opinions. I know that it has been awhile since I wrote about something other than Brooklyn. I was planning a few things in November. Then, my camera and laptop were lost to my lack of thoroughness. I also want to thank you for your patience in waiting for another post.